Something Personal

Source: weheartit.com via Caitlin on Pinterest

When we think of the word 'growing' our minds quickly go to the phrase 'growing up.' I'm going to be 26 in two months and I still don't feel 'grown up.' Grown up to me means you're done growing. I don't want that to be me. Ever. I'll probably always consider myself a girl. Even as a mom someday, as a grandmother someday. I hope 20 years from now I still say things like 'I'm the luckiest girl in the world' and jam out to the song 'Just a girl.'

On the plane yesterday I was thinking about how much I've changed in the past ten years. (That'll happen to you with little to do for five hours by the way!) How I've changed in the past five years. In the past three years. In the past few months. How some of the ideals that once absolutely defined me have changed.

Being caring was one of the top characteristics that once defined me. Ten years ago, I had no idea how strong I was. I had no idea how scared I was. How lost I was. I had no idea who I'd become or who I was. How little direction I had. Back then, I would do almost anything to help someone I cared about. I ALWAYS put others ahead of myself. That was my purpose. I trusted that karma was real. That if I made a big gesture, it'd be reciprocated sometime even if that sometime wasn't soon. That if I was a shoulder to lean on to no end, it'd come back to me. That my friendships would last forever. They'd be exactly the same, but we'd have kids. Realistic, right? That I was a young Carrie Bradshaw. That all people changed for the better and they all changed together. That I could teach some people to be happy. That I could fix demons that haunted them. That finding a route to adulthood could happen alongside someone else whether that be your high school best friend, your college roommate, your boyfriend, your family.

There's no way for me to say this without sounding jaded but maybe I am? I was naive. I was wrong.

Five years ago, I made excuses for people. I accepted things that shouldn't be acceptable. Things I wouldn't let my friends tolerate if the situation was flipped. I thought things fell into your lap if you were a good person. I still thought friendships would be the same forever. I thought my relationships couldn't change negatively because I cared about them. I worked hard, but made decisions that set me back. I often took the easier way because I thought the end result would be the same.

Again, I was wrong.

 Three years ago, I saw that things weren't changing. Things weren't falling into my lap. Those excuses I made for people? Well, they were getting tiresome. My route to happiness was different than my friends. I started to realize I wanted different things for my life. I found that I was often being a doormat rather than someone who was dependable. I had a sudden clarity about who I was, what I wanted, and the confidence to leave people behind who would stop me from that happiness. I learned I had value, I had a creativity burning inside me that I couldn't shut out, my innate personality would get me far in the business world if I applied myself, I had something special and unique to offer in a relationship. I was someone's dream girl only if they were worthy. I wasn't your stereotypical girl. I was more logical than emotional most times. And I realized it was acceptable and more than okay to be emotional and sensitive sometimes. No one could tell me what I felt wasn't valid.  It was justified to be who I was even if it wasn't always pretty. I learned it's true that some people are toxic. Sometimes saying goodbye is hard. Most importantly, I found out that freedom from negativity is worth whatever 'consequences' come with moving on from what stops you from what you want.

In the past few months, I've realized that it's normal for friendships to change or end. I've realized that with EFFORT and the freedom to allow positive change in others and ourselves, relationships of all kinds can grow together. The effort part is crucial and without it, you will lose in all aspects of your life.

In some way I'm still that girl ten years ago. I will always make an effort. I will try my best with some failure I'm sure to find the positive in people. I will always take the time with people I care about to show them what they mean to me. I'll be of dedicated service to their mental and physical health. But I won't jeopardize myself and standards to maintain relationships. Or believe I can change people. The only control I have is over myself.

I may have been wrong about a lot, but I know I'm not wrong about this: I am the most important relationship I have with myself. Someday I will teach my future daughter to have the confidence to find herself important, to not forget the purpose in being a good person to others AND yourself, to not be afraid of change, and the work and dedication it truly takes to be successful professionally and personally.

The end. If you made it this far, thank you for reading. <3